My 2001 threshold application

It's the Easter Holidays, so for two blissful weeks I only need to go in to school to run catch-up sessions for those who did not complete their coursework (see last post) and can spend much of my time relaxing (in between proof-reading the typing in my students' late coursework submissions, putting the sheets into the right order and then, finally, marking them)

As a result of this free time, I have been tidying up my computer hard disc and came across this - my first ever threshold application from 2001. I thought you (my five readers) might enjoy it.

1 Knowledge and understanding

Please summarise evidence that you have a thorough and up-to-date knowledge of the teaching of your subject(s), and take account of wider curriculum developments, which are relevant to your work.

- I regularly listen to Radio 4, and take on board all specious and patronising comments targetted at me by Libby Purves, John Simpson etc
- I regularly note the arrival of government directives, packages and initiatives. Sometimes I even flick through them before putting them in a very dark filing cabinet
- I watch Channel 4 documentaries and frequently incorporate the insights gained into my teaching, especially in that last half-hour before the bell goes
- I do aikido evening classes and have signed up for something at the local City Learning Centre, I think it has to do with CD-ROMs or maybe it was ICBMs?

2.1 Teaching and assessment - Planning lessons

Please summarise evidence that you consistently and effectively plan lessons and sequences of lessons, to meet pupils' individual learning needs.

- I consistently plan lessons and then adapt them in an ongoing and dynamic way, incorporating insights gained on the hoof as the class arrive fifteen minutes late and high as kites
- I have written several schemes of work incorporating the next big thing, and successfully disguised the fact that they were simply recycled from the last big thing. These schemes of work are regularly ignored by other members of my department
- I regularly adapt my lessons to meet the individual learning needs of the gifted and talented, by letting them go on the internet when they finish early
- I complete ILP's for all students when I am told to. I always apologise to students with SLDD who's speling I have acidentaly criticised

2.2 Teaching and assessment - Classroom management

Please summarise evidence that you consistently and effectively use a range of appropriate strategies for teaching and classroom management.

- I use a variety of different approaches to classroom management, including shouting, pleading, sarcasm and running out in tears
- I nick every good idea, worksheet and anecdote produced by my PGCE students
- I know a couple of very good jokes about Mancunians in a filing cabinet
- To take account of those who learn best in a self-directed, text based, non-interactive way, I regularly tell students to be quiet and copy out of the book for half an hour
- I have the following technology in my room but never use it because it is broken: electronic whiteboard, OHP, networked computer, blackboard
- I do funny voices and pretend that I am using drama across the curriculum

2.3 Teaching and assessment - Monitoring progress

Please summarise evidence that you consistently and effectively use information about prior attainment to set well-grounded expectations for pupils, and monitor progress to give clear and constructive feedback.

- At the beginning of every year, I analyse all my groups according to the 'method du jour'. I faithfully copy this into my planner and look at it occasionally
- I encourage all my students to maintain appropriate career fanatasies
- I mark regulary, accurately and in depth, giving postive feedback and pointers for improvement. Thanks sir, my pupils say, reading the notes I have written, and using it constructively to improve their next piece of homework, while being careful to avoid the detritus from the airborne swine who congregate in my classroom

3 Pupil progress

Please summarise evidence that, as a result of your teaching, your pupils achieve well in relation to their prior attainment, making progress as good or better than similar pupils nationally. This should be shown in marks or grades in any relevant national tests or examinations, or school based assessment for pupils where national tests and examinations are not taken.

- Using the the 2000 Autumn package, crossed referenced with Yellis, averaging downward to take into account small group size, all my students in Year 11 achieved above the lower quartile range relative to their IQ and ability, except for the one who truanted, the one who went on holiday the week we started that piece of coursework, and the three who used to sit at the back and smoke dope. And that girl with the nosestud but she was a Whole School Problem.

4.1 Wider professional effectiveness - Personal development

Please summarise evidence that you take responsibility for your professional development and use the outcomes to improve your teaching and pupils' learning.

- I have learned the meaning of the following terms and sometimes use them: computer-aided learning, benchmark, learning style, prior attainment data. I almost never call a specification a syllabus
- I have successfully learned how to use each successive new photocopier
- I downloaded this document from the DFES web site
- I have attended all INSETs laid on for me by my school, and do not always sit at the back. I have willingly filled in personality tests, brainstormed, made posters, fed back onto flip charts, learned to juggle and revised my schemes of work, all without complaining

4.2 Wider professional effectiveness - School development

Please summarise evidence that you make an active contribution to the policies and aspirations of your school.

- I aspire to a high status job which earns me big bucks for not doing much work and allows me to blame others for my inadequacies, in common with my Year 11 group
- I support all the rules and policies of the school, I have never blagged chewing gum off a kid, lost confiscated jewellry or feigned deafness when a large Year 11 was listening to a walkman
- I am not, nor have I ever been, a member of a delegation, whinging consortium, rumour mill or Union. I never make cynical remarks in INSETs or staff meetings
- I keep my contributions to morning briefing short and to the point

5 Professional characteristics

Much of what you have said earlier in this form will give information about the professional characteristics you show in your teaching. Please give any further examples of how you are an effective professional who challenges and supports all pupils to do their best.

- I inspire trust by wearing the clothes expected of me by generations of teachers. I never buy a new suit unless it is absolutely necessary. I sleep under my desk from time to time
- I challenge all pupils, usually to guess what I am thinking
- I am a team player, giving my colleagues unrestricted access to my lesson plans, resources, pens, pencils, keys, coffee, cigarettes and bank account
- I submit myself to writing time-consuming forms whenever Estelle Morris offers me a decent salary in return for my soul